Balitang Kutsero

By Perry Diaz   


 Interview with Mikey


My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec interviewed ex-prez Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s son, Congressman Juan Miguel “Mikey” Arroyo. The interview went like this:


James: Good afternoon, Congressman Arroyo.


Mikey: Good afternoon, din, James.  Just call me Mikey.  No need for formalities.


James:  Okay, Mikey.  First of all, I want to thank you for granting me this interview. 

Mikey:  Don’t thank me; thank God I did it.  So, what do you want to know?  You want to hear all the tsismis about Penoy?  Did you hear that his g.f. dumped him and now he’s lumiligaw to a girl he met in Singapore during his state visit there?


James: I lost track of his girlfriends.  Talagang chickboy siya.  He he he…


Mikey:  Chickboy?  Aba, when it comes to chicks, I’m better than Penoy. 


James: Hey, you remind me of the movie, “Mikey Blue Eyes.”  Have you seen it?


Mikey:  Yes, I saw it.  But it’s “Mickey Blue Eyes,” not Mikey…


James:  Mickey it is then, Mikey.  By the way, I heard some people were calling you “Mikey Doe Eyes.”  Have you heard about that?


Mikey: “Mikey Doe Eyes”?  What the heck does that mean?


James:  Well, “Doe” is like the “Do Re Mi” song in the “Sound of Music” movie, which goes: “Doe, a deer, a female deer…”


Mikey: Stop!  Look, I’m not a female deer or doe, got that?


James:  Got it!  But they say that you have doe eyes.  He he he…

Mikey:  Who told you that?  Ang mga walang hiya!


James:  Okay, okay, let’s change the subject.  Hmm….  Here’s a good one.  A lot of people were wondering why you were chosen to represent in Congress the “Ang Galing Pinoy” party-list, which represents the marginalized group of tricycle drivers and security guards.  What qualifies you to represent them?


Mikey:  That’s easy.  I’m very, very qualified to represent them cuz I’ve been driving a tricycle since I was three years old!


James: Huh?  How is that?


Mikey:  Well, my mommy gave me a tricycle for my birthday gift when I was three years old.  And I still have it.  Every now and then, I’d go to Luneta and drive it around the grandstand at night. It’s fun driving a tricycle.  You should try it.  He he he…


James: You mean to say you’ve never outgrown it?  Why don’t you buy a Porsche sports car just like P-Noy.


Mike:  Peeeeeenoy!  Grrr… Don’ you mention his name again!  Never again! Grrr…


James: Oops!  Did I touch a raw nerve?  I’m sorry.  What happened?


Mikey:  That Penoy has the nerve to file tax evasion charges against my wife and me to the tune of P73.85 million!  Can you believe that?


James:  Whoa!  That’s a lot of moolah, Mikey!  You can buy a Lamborghini with that!


Mikey:  Heck, I’d rather buy another mansion in California.


James:  Oh, really?  You like California, ha?


Mikey:  I love California!  That’s why I’ve been buying property there.  I want to live there when I retire. There are lots of blond chicks over there.  He he he…


James:  Oh, really?  Tell me more about it.


Mikey:  You should invest there, too, James.  You can buy homes at 25 cents to the dollar.  Very cheap! Baratilyo talaga!


James: Oh, really?  How many homes have you bought so far?


Mikey:  Heck, I’ve lost track.  More than you could think of, amigo.


James: Mikey, how can you buy properties in California with your congressman’s salary?


Mikey: My mommy taught me all the tricks.  He he he…


James:  Oh, like skimming off the top of your pork? 


Mikey:  You’re a naughty boy, James.  Hey, do you think I’d just skim the fat off the top?   

James:  Oh, I see.  You mean, why not take the whole pork, ha?


Mikey: Attaboy, James! You’re catching up fast!


James: Hey, didn’t your mommy get a huge pork this year?  I heard something like P2 billion.  Is that true?


Mikey:  To be exact, it’s two point two billion pesos!  


James: And I suppose she also…


Mikey:  She’s an expert… and she’s very good at what she does, James!  Got it?  


James: Yeah, I got it, Mikey, and I’m sick to the stomach!  I’m going to puke… terrible!


Mikey:  Sorry, I upset you, James.  Hoy! What’s that you’re holding?


James:  Oh, this is nothing.


Mikey:  It’s a tape recorder!!! You’re taping our conversation! You son of…


James:  Yep, it’s all recorded and I’m going to turn this over to the Bureau of Internal Revenue!  You’re corrupt!  You’ll be “Caponized” for tax evasion just like what happened to Al Capone.  Ha ha ha…


Mikey:  Walang hiya!



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