Balitang Kutsero

By Perry Diaz   


P-Noy and his A-Team


Just like the movie “A-Team,” President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III organized his own A-Team to get things done his way.  With his two “shooting buddies,” Rico E. Puno and his newly appointed Political Adviser Ronald Llamas, covering his right and left flanks, respectively, and his “Chief Troubleshooter” Mar Roxas covering his front and Vice President Jejomar “Jojo” Binay covering his rear, P-Noy is confident that his defensive wall would be so formidable and impenetrable. 


But as soon as his A-Team was organized, problems started.  The team members were asking their roles and assignments.  So, P-Noy called for an organizational meeting with the A-Team at the Bahay Pangarap (Dream House) on a Sunday morning.


After a breakfast of Tapsilog, a fruit compote, mango juice, and coffee, the five settled down.  P-Noy called the meeting to order.


P-Noy:  Okay, guys, this is our organizational meeting and I want you to ask all the questions you have cuz after this we’re going to paint the town red.


Rico: Huh? Paint the town red with your Porsche?


P-Noy:  That’s just a figure of speech, okay?


Everybody:  Okay, boss.


P-Noy:  No, I’m not your boss, just call me P-Noy.  Our “boss” is the Filipino people, okay?


Everybody: Okay, P-Noy.


P-Noy: Okay, here are your assignments.  Mar, as my “Chief Troubleshooter,” you’ll cover my front.  Rico, since you’re friends with the rightist generals, you’ll cover my right flank. Ronald, since you’re a leftist, you’ll cover my left flank.  And Jojo, since

you’re my Vice President, I want you to cover my rear and make sure to keep the opposition forces at bay.  Any questions?


Mar:  Thank you for appointing me as your “Chief Troubleshooter.”  I like the assignment and with my long experience in troubleshooting, I can really help you.  I understand that as your Chief Troubleshooter, I’ll be doing 80% of your responsibility…


P-Noy: That’s correct.  That’s why I asked Congress for a huge presidential pork barrel to make sure that you’ll have all the funds you need to troubleshoot.


Mar: How much? 


P-Noy: Hey, you can use all of my pork available if you need it.  Remember, what is mine is yours.  Okay?


Mar: Your wish is my command, P-Noy.  Thank you.


Jojo:  How about me, P-Noy?  You only gave me P200 million for my pork barrel.  Covering your rear is as important as troubleshooting.  You see, I got to make sure that you’re not leaving a trail that’s full of… say, horseshit.  You know what I mean.


P-Noy: Oh! That one! Hmm… What do you think, Mar?


Mar: Look, Jojo, how much would it cost to scoop… that “thing” up? 


Jojo:  Hey, hold it there, Mar!  Watch your language, okay?


Mar:  Whoa! You’re the one who’s talking about horse…


P-Noy:  Stop it!  Let’s not talk about that anymore.  I’ll double your pork barrel, Jojo.  Okay with you guys?


Mar: Fine with me.


Ronald: 10-4.


Rico: 10-4?  Hey, that’s the number!  I’ll call Bong and tell him that I’m betting P50,000 on 10-4.  That would give me winnings of P5 million. 


Ronald: Huh?  All I said was “10-4” -- which means, “okay” -- and you’re betting P50,000?  What the heck is going on, and who is Bong?


Rico: Never mind, partner.  The winning combination will be “10-4” in tomorrow’s jueteng. Guaranteed.  Bong is the jueteng lord I’m connected with.


Ronald: No kidding!  But where are you going to get P50,000 to place in a bet? You told me earlier you lost big time at a Monte game last night.


Rico: Well, umm… I’ll just tell Bong to take it out of my commission… err… I mean, my winnings.  Hehehe…


Mar: That smells fishy, Rico.  Are you receiving jueteng payola?

Ronald:  Yes, Rico.  You’re my “shooting buddy” but you should stay out of jueteng.  It would be embarrassing to P-Noy if Archbishop Cruz finds out.


P-Noy:  Are you really on the take, Rico? 

Jojo:  Yeah, that’s bad, Rico.  I don’t think I’d want to clean up any mess that would come out of another jueteng scandal.  You survived the first scandal, but I doubt if you’d survive the next one. 


Rico:  Hoy, Mojo Jojo!  Who’s making a mess, ha?  I’ll show you...


Jojo:  Look, bozo!  I’m going to…


P-Noy:  Guys, stop it!  It looks like we can’t work together.  I’m disbanding our team.  The meeting is adjourned.  And you, Rico! I want to talk to you… alone, okay?


Rico: 10-4.


Then the phone rang.  “Hello.”  “Good morning, Mr. Diaz.  This is your wake-up call,” the caller said.  “Thank you,” I said and hung up.  Gee, another bad dream.  



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