Balitang Kutsero

By Perry Diaz   


Obie and Osie


In the wee hours of May 1, 2011, President Barack Obama received a call through the secured red line.  Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, “Mr. President, here’s call from a person who calls himself, ‘Osie.’  We traced the call from Abbottabad in Pakistan. He won’t give his full name but he said that it’s very important that he talks to you. He used the code word, ‘Tora Bora.’ Would you take the call?”  “Tora Bora? Hmm…” Obama said, “Holy cow!  Yup, I’ll take that call! Gimme the phone!”


Obama: Hello, This is President Obama. Who is this?


Caller: Hello, Obie.  This is Osie.  Remember me?


Obama: No, I don’t know you!  And don’t call me Obie!  Who is this?


Caller:  Now, now, don’t lose your cool, mojo man.  Would you rather that I call you Barry?


Obama:  Listen, I’m busy right now with my National Security Team.  We’re in the middle of a covert operation.  What is it that you want?


Caller: I’ve been thinking, Obie.  I’ve been on the run since Georgie Booshie almost killed me in 2001 at Tora Bora.  It’s been a long 10 years and I’m not getting any younger.


Obama:  Get straight to the point, Osie or whoever you are.  What do you want?


Caller:  Okay, okay.  I want to surrender, Obie.


Obama: Surrender? That’s easy.  Just go to the nearest CIA post in Pakistan and turn yourself in. 


Caller:  That could be a problem.  I need protection for my wives and children.  


Obama: How many wives and children do you have?


Caller: I have five wives and 20 children.  


Obama: Let me say this.  If you are who I think you are, your wives and children are not our enemies… unless they have committed terrorist acts, too.


Caller: Oh, no, no, no!  They’re not terrorists!  They’re peace-loving people.


Obama:  What kind of protection are you asking for them?


Caller: Bring them to the US of A so they can live the American Dream.


Obama:  You’re nuts!  After what you’ve done on 9/11 do you expect us to give your family the red carpet treatment here?


Caller: Well, if that’s not possible, give them safe passage to their native countries then.


Obama: Where?


Caller:  Two to Saudi Arabia, one to Yemen, one to Indonesia, and one to the Philippines.


Obama: The Philippines?  How did that happen?


Caller:  You see, when Georgie Booshie ran me out of Tora Bora, I went to Indonesia where I met my fourth wife and after one year I went to the Philippines where I met my fifth wife.


Obama: And I suppose you met her in Mindanao, right? 


Caller:  You’re smart, Obie man.  You’re catching up fast…


Obama:  But it got too risky moving around in Mindanao cuz of the warring Muslim factions.  You don’t know who your friends were.  So after two years, you moved to Waziristan in Northeast Pakistan where you can blend in.


Caller: You amazed me, Obie man. Where did you get your…


Obama: But Waziristan became too dangerous too so you moved to Abbottabad near Islamabad.


Caller: Wow! I’m impressed!  Well, maybe I should move again.  You’re getting too close, Obie.  I don’t like it!


Obama:  Yup, closer than you think, Osie man.


Caller:  What do you mean closer than I think?


Obama:  Right now I can see your eyeballs through the window of the third floor of your mansion.

Caller:  Whoa! Whoa! What are you talking about?


Obama: If you are who I think you are and I think you are who we are looking for, look out the window and you’ll see two big birds hovering over your backyard.  And you’ll also see 24 SEALs being dropped off.


Caller: Seals!  Ha ha ha… Okay, I got it, Hussein.  You’re pulling my legs again!  I ordered goats for my kilawen and kaldereta dinner tomorrow, not seals, you idiot!  


Obama:  Look again, Osie man.   They’re not what you think they are.


Caller:  Holy goat!  Those aren’t birds!  Those are helicopters!  And those aren’t seals! Those are… oh, no!!!


Obama: Yup, those are American SEAL Team Six commandoes I sent there to take you out, Osie man!  They’ve landed and are now heading to your mansion.


Caller: How the hell do you know?  You’re far away!


Obama: Cuz I’m watching the operation from my big plasma screen here at the White House, Osie man.  Oops!  Two of your guys just went down.  And now my boys are going upstairs… to your bedroom!


Caller: Damn! Now, I’m in big trouble!


Obama: Yes, you are, Osie man.  Bye bye.


Caller: Tangnamu!!! 




Obama:  Hello, hello! Are you there, Osie? Hello!


Caller: Mr. President.  This is the SEAL Team Six commander.  Mission accomplished.  Geronimo! Geronimo! E KIA!


Obama turned to his National Security Team and announced, “Geronimo is dead! His last word was ‘tangnamu’. Does anybody know what that means?”  State Secretary Hillary Clinton said, “My husband Bill had a classmate at Georgetown University who became president of the Philippines.  She used to say, ‘tangnamu’ every time she disagreed with anybody.”  “And what does ‘tangnamu’ mean?” asked Obama.  “Well… it’s the equivalent of the… ahh…umm… F-word, Mr. President,” replied Hillary. 


The red phone rang.  “I’ll get it,” said Obama.  “Hello, who’s this? ”  “Tangnamu!” the caller replied and hung up.  Obama stared at the receiver and said, “Kilawen! Kaldereta!! Tangnamu!!!  Hmm… Holy cow!  I think we killed the wrong man, guys.”



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