Balitang Kutsero

By Perry Diaz   

Pacman and Paris Hilton

After Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao’s post-fight press conference last May 7, 2011, my investigative reporter approached Pacman as he and his party were leaving the conference room.  His wife, Jinkee, and Hollywood actress and hotel heiress Paris Hilton were with him.  “Hey, Pacman!  Remember me?  I interviewed you last year,” said James.  “Oh, yeah, you’re that Jaime quack quack reporter from Global Balita, right?”  replied Pacman.  “That’s me, except that my name is James Macaquecquec,” said James. “Same thing, same thing,” replied Pacman, “Do you want to interview me again?”  “Absolutely!  Can we all sit around a table?  I’d like to interview all of you if that’s okay?” James asked.  “Okey with me,” said Pacman.  They all sat around a table.

James: First of all, I want to congratulate you on your victory, Pacman!  That’s your tenth straight championship win, right?

Pacman: Correction!  That was my dozen championship victory!

James: You mean… uh… twelfth championship victory, correct?

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.

James:  Jinkee, you must be very happy with Manny’s victory.

Jinkee:  I’m one billion happier!  Just kidding.  Hi hi hi…

Paris: I’d be a billion happier too if I were married to Manny. He he he…

Jinkee:  Hoy, Paris, be careful with what you say!  People might think you’re having an affair with my husband.

Paris: No need to be jealous of me, Jinkee dear.  Manny and I are just friends.

Pacman:  Paris is right, mahal.  Our friendship is just atomic.

Jinkee:  Atomic!  Hoy, what do you mean by “atomic,” ha?  Loko!

James:  I think what Pacman meant was “platonic,” right, Pacman?

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.

Paris:  Yes, Jinkee, it’s just platonic, okay?

Jinkee: Ikaw kasi, mahal!  Pa-atomic atomic ka pa dyan!  Babatukan kita, sige ka.

Pacman:  Aray! Huwag naman, baka ma-knock out mo ako, mahal. He he he…

Jinkee: Pwe! Pa-mahal mahal ka pa dyan. Manigas ka!

Paris:  Guys, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.  Can we speak in English, please?

James: Yes, Paris is right.  Let’s get back to normal, okay?  I have a question for you, Paris.  What got you interested in boxing?

Paris: Well, when I was a young girl I used to hang out with the boys in my neighborhood.  They taught me how to box.  I never lost interest in boxing since.  I’ve been to all of Manny’s dozen championship victories.

Pacman:  It’s twelve, not dozen.

Paris: Same thing, same thing.

James: Hey, you’re even beginning to talk like Pacman, Paris!  That’s amazing!

Jinkee:  Hmm… I don’t like that. 

James:  I’m sorry, Jinkee.  I didn’t mean it that way.  Okay, okay, let’s move on.  What’s your secret, Pacman?  You seem to have “lady luck” with you all the time.

Jinkee: Huh? So Paris is his “lady luck,” ha? 

James:  Oh no! That’s just an idiomatic expression, Jinkee.

Jinkee: Who’s an idiot?

James: Idiot?  No, no, no!  I said, idiomatic.  It means… uh…

Paris: Jinkee, you are Manny’s “lady luck,” not me.  You bring him luck, that’s what “lady luck” means.

Pacman:  Paris is right, mahal.  You’re my “lady luck.” 

James:  Oh, how sweet. It seems like you both have good karma.  Right, Pacman?

Pacman:  Well, not really.  I read Karma Sutra and I find the pictures funny.  I prefer what priests do, you know… missionary position. He he he…

James: Karma Sutra! Priests! Missionary position!  Now, you really make me laugh, Pacman! Ha ha ha…  Oh, my stomach hurts. Ha ha ha… I can’t… ha ha… breathe…

Pacman: Stop it!  What’s wrong with what I said?

Paris:  The book is called Kama Sutra, not Karma Sutra, hon. 

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.

Jinkee:  Hon?  Hmm… I have read Kama Sutra, too!  Hoy, what’s going on between you Paris?  I bet you’re looking at the Kama Sutra pictures together, ha?

Paris: Jinkee, I love both of you.

Jinkee:  You love us both??? What is this – a love triangle? Maloko kang talaga ano?

James: I think what Paris meant was that she loves you both as friends, Jinkee.

Pacman: Mahal, we’re plutonic friends only.

James: It’s pla-tonic, Pacman.  Not plu-tonic.

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.  

Paris: I gotta run.  I’ll text you guys later, okay?

Pacman: Yeah, Paris, I look forward to your teks?

Paris: Okey honey, I’ll teks you when I’m in Rome.  Maybe you can join me for a Roman holiday, okey dokey?

Pacman: Okey donkey, honey. He he he…

Jinkee: Huh?  Roman holiday? Walang hiya kayong dalawa, pa-honey honey pa kayo!   

Paris: I mean the three of us, Jinkee.

Jinkee: The three of us? Aba, gusto mo threesome pa? Patyun kita dira!

James: Run, Paris, run for your life! She’s gonna kill you!

Paris: Aw, shucks!

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(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)